My Ex-Best Friend
Nov. 12th, 2025 08:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reminiscenciashe's still my friend, just not my best friend anymore.
and that empty space sometimes stings deep down in my chest. after all, she held that title for eight years. which... is almost half of our lives. jesus. realizing it now, as i write this, makes it worse.
long story short, we grew apart.
and who's to blame?
firstly, time;
time changes everything. we've changed, and that would've happened regardless of anything i'm about to say on the following paragraphs. we have different personalities, niches, preferences, and that's alright. it happens! :) that doesn't mean we're incompatible.
i deal with this now a lot better than how i used to(which was crying while listening to sad songs and posting lyrics with hidden and never actually saying anything and getting jealous of anyone who got close to her)
secondly... does this word exist? i can't be bothered to check it up at the moment...
i digress. well, secondly, myself;
i fell for her. i fell for her and i hated myself for it. i was so confused all the time. i didn't know if that was actually romantic love or if it was just the natural reaction of a shut-in teenager experiencing the warmth of a relit old friendship after being quarentined in their house. but then it dawned on me that i only felt that way towards her, and not my other friends. and she only acted the way she did towards me, not her other friends.
i hid these feelings and drew back a little, afraid i could ruin everything by expressing what i truly felt. what i didn't realize was that, in this process, i was actually hurting her. because, guess what,
she felt the same way.
i'm totally fine with this now, really. but finding that out after months of us slowly growing apart crashed down over me. what do you MEAN?
i remember being haunted by this for the following 1.5 years; imagine how ironic, my trying not to ruin everything was, in fact, exactly what ruined us. i spiralled down to a twisted world view. i became obsessed with my own sob-story. i would write shitty poems, listen to songs i knew would make me even sadder, and there were many moments when i cursed her, myself, our friends, and the entire world over this.
months later, i was so ashamed of how i handled everything, it took me embarassingly long to apologize.
as you can imagine, even though she forgave me, things got inevitably weirder.
but here's the thing. we weren't "ruined". i spent so long drowning in self-pity i couldn't recognize that despite that cycle being over, it didn't mean we couldn't be friends (i blame you and that damn song of yours, paul mccartney).
it took me a while to realize that we really couldn't have been anything more than what we were.
if we were to ever have been lovers, it had to be during that period of time, in 2021-2022. but it didn't happen. and it was for the best.
i miss being her best friend, of course. but we still ocasionally talk. at least i can have this. the memories will always be there, locked away in time. it belongs there.
i have a beautiful, loving, understanding girlfriend now. all paths led me to her, and i wouldn't have it any other way.
i stopped wondering "what if, what if, what if" a long time ago. it doesn't matter anymore. it's okay. we could have never been lovers, we are no longer best friends, but we can be friends. i'll have that.
and that empty space sometimes stings deep down in my chest. after all, she held that title for eight years. which... is almost half of our lives. jesus. realizing it now, as i write this, makes it worse.
long story short, we grew apart.
and who's to blame?
firstly, time;
time changes everything. we've changed, and that would've happened regardless of anything i'm about to say on the following paragraphs. we have different personalities, niches, preferences, and that's alright. it happens! :) that doesn't mean we're incompatible.
i deal with this now a lot better than how i used to
secondly... does this word exist? i can't be bothered to check it up at the moment...
i digress. well, secondly, myself;
i fell for her. i fell for her and i hated myself for it. i was so confused all the time. i didn't know if that was actually romantic love or if it was just the natural reaction of a shut-in teenager experiencing the warmth of a relit old friendship after being quarentined in their house. but then it dawned on me that i only felt that way towards her, and not my other friends. and she only acted the way she did towards me, not her other friends.
i hid these feelings and drew back a little, afraid i could ruin everything by expressing what i truly felt. what i didn't realize was that, in this process, i was actually hurting her. because, guess what,
she felt the same way.
i'm totally fine with this now, really. but finding that out after months of us slowly growing apart crashed down over me. what do you MEAN?
i remember being haunted by this for the following 1.5 years; imagine how ironic, my trying not to ruin everything was, in fact, exactly what ruined us. i spiralled down to a twisted world view. i became obsessed with my own sob-story. i would write shitty poems, listen to songs i knew would make me even sadder, and there were many moments when i cursed her, myself, our friends, and the entire world over this.
months later, i was so ashamed of how i handled everything, it took me embarassingly long to apologize.
as you can imagine, even though she forgave me, things got inevitably weirder.
but here's the thing. we weren't "ruined". i spent so long drowning in self-pity i couldn't recognize that despite that cycle being over, it didn't mean we couldn't be friends (i blame you and that damn song of yours, paul mccartney).
it took me a while to realize that we really couldn't have been anything more than what we were.
if we were to ever have been lovers, it had to be during that period of time, in 2021-2022. but it didn't happen. and it was for the best.
i miss being her best friend, of course. but we still ocasionally talk. at least i can have this. the memories will always be there, locked away in time. it belongs there.
i have a beautiful, loving, understanding girlfriend now. all paths led me to her, and i wouldn't have it any other way.
i stopped wondering "what if, what if, what if" a long time ago. it doesn't matter anymore. it's okay. we could have never been lovers, we are no longer best friends, but we can be friends. i'll have that.
