SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

i was going to marry you

you were never a distraction. i truly loved you. i realize i should've been better, so much better than i was and than i ever tried to be

i think someday, maybe soon, you will realize how awful i were

the end is near, and as ominous as it sounds... i don't feel horrible.

a week. less than a week, actually. 4-6 days that will probably be the busiest in the year. i have 2 projects to present. an admission test to take. and after that, a 5-day trip to another state to make yet another presentation. incredible oportunity, this one, and i'm not complaining, but god i am so tired. 

and none of the projects are exactly perfect, which just raises my preoccupation to a 200%.

and my academic future kind of depends on this test alone. i. must. pass.
did i study enough for it? no <3 so yes, entirely my fault if i don't make it

she's still my friend, just not my best friend anymore. 

and that empty space sometimes stings deep down in my chest. after all, she held that title for eight years. which... is almost half of our lives. jesus. realizing it now, as i write this, makes it worse.

long story short, we grew apart.
and who's to blame?

firstly, time; 
time changes everything. we've changed, and that would've happened regardless of anything i'm about to say on the following paragraphs. we have different personalities, niches, preferences, and that's alright. it happens! :) that doesn't mean we're incompatible.
i deal with this now a lot better than how i used to (which was crying while listening to sad songs and posting lyrics with hidden and never actually saying anything and getting jealous of anyone who got close to her)

secondly... does this word exist? i can't be bothered to check it up at the moment...
i digress. well, secondly, myself;
i fell for her. i fell for her and i hated myself for it. i was so confused all the time. i didn't know if that was actually romantic love or if it was just the natural reaction of a shut-in teenager experiencing the warmth of a relit old friendship after being quarentined in their house. but then it dawned on me that i only felt that way towards her, and not my other friends. and she only acted the way she did towards me, not her other friends.
i hid these feelings and drew back a little, afraid i could ruin everything by expressing what i truly felt. what i didn't realize was that, in this process, i was actually hurting her. because, guess what,

she felt the same way.

i'm totally fine with this now, really. but finding that out after months of us slowly growing apart crashed down over me. what do you MEAN?

i remember being haunted by this for the following 1.5 years; imagine how ironic, my trying not to ruin everything was, in fact, exactly what ruined us. i spiralled down to a twisted world view. i became obsessed with my own sob-story. i would write shitty poems, listen to songs i knew would make me even sadder, and there were many moments when i cursed her, myself, our friends, and the entire world over this.

months later, i was so ashamed of how i handled everything, it took me embarassingly long to apologize.
as you can imagine, even though she forgave me, things got inevitably weirder. 

but here's the thing. we weren't "ruined". i spent so long drowning in self-pity i couldn't recognize that despite that cycle being over, it didn't mean we couldn't be friends (i blame you and that damn song of yours, paul mccartney).
it took me a while to realize that we really couldn't have been anything more than what we were.
if we were to ever have been lovers, it had to be during that period of time, in 2021-2022. but it didn't happen. and it was for the best.

i miss being her best friend, of course. but we still ocasionally talk. at least i can have this. the memories will always be there, locked away in time. it belongs there.

i have a beautiful, loving, understanding girlfriend now. all paths led me to her, and i wouldn't have it any other way. 

i stopped wondering "what if, what if, what if" a long time ago. it doesn't matter anymore. it's okay. we could have never been lovers, we are no longer best friends, but we can be friends. i'll have that.

there are plenty of people WAY WORSE than me, i know it
but still, i wish i were at least a little bit more normal

i love how often it rains in november. it's one of the very few aspects of my local weather that remains consistent — as soon as the clock hits november 1st, it starts to rain.

it makes me think of her. i miss the old times. i wish i'd done more while we still could. we could do very little then but it was still something. i was so afraid and now it is even worse. sometimes i feel like just giving it all up.

i don't want this to be a sad entry. as long as it rains in november, i'll be happy.

it will pass. i need to believe that one way or another, this will pass

there is no way i can make this work out for everyone
no matter what i do, someone will get hurt in the end